Since childhood I ask a simple question which is quite hard to answer... until now I haven't got the right explanation yet, why I exist in this world?
I am creation of love... though I know it’s quite hard to believe but that really is! At times I ask myself, why on earth I have to deal with tough life where I feel like no one loves me. I often dreamt of being angel with wings and hallo serving in the holy place, but I’m created as human and my life limits only here on earth... yes I know humans were created to inhabit earth.
I might cry a lot during my teenage years realizing that why nobody cares for me... no one is ever been proud of me. My mom favors my brother, and always took me for granted. And yet you might feel the same agony I have inside during those tough years, a time when I needed someone to lift me up yet my parents are not there. I need moral support buy where are they? Do they care? Hell! I'm hanging over here!
It's so awful to watch my life like a movie where no one understand and recognize me or the worst of all no one realized I exist! I went to contest at school with no enough money for me neither to buy some food nor to go to practice without asking "are you tired? How’s your competition? Did you won?" how I’m so thirst to hear those words but no one cares? Who knows I exist anyway? Hey I won some competitions but never did I hear the words "congratulations! Keep up the good work!" Hell I'm just doing good deeds for nothing. At school everybody recognized me as an outstanding student but my parents don't even know anything about it. My professor thinks that my parents had been so proud of me but they never know how it hurts me so much that they don't dare to ask my grades. During college, since parent’s signatures on cards are not required anymore to tell you exactly the truth my mom saw one of my grades only, but my dad never did. I'm working now but they still don't know what my grades are... I'm so poor!
Everyday of my life I'm still asking for the same old question, over and over again... Why, Why and why?
But I remember one scenario of my life that made me think of my existence... It was a way too long that we had once traveled with my mom, my little brother and with my uncle. I was sitting sleeping at the passenger seat, when suddenly I woke up without anyone noticed, and I heard my mom and my uncle talking. Topic seems so new to me... and because of curiosity; I accidentally heard something that I supposed not to hear... my uncle said pointing at me
"Look at her... I never thought she'll grow up like that; she seems so little when she's still a kid. And fortunately she lives!”
I was stunned of what I heard, and then my mom responded "Yeah, she's holding too much that even I took medicine to abort her, it doesn't work. Things happening that time is so bleak with your cousin, we often fight with a lot of things and we nearly separated that's why I decided to take her off."
"Good thing she hold tight. You see? She’s a gift!" my uncle replied.
"Yes you're right, that's what my brother also told me especially when he watches her growing. He even told me 'See? if you abort that kid, you missed half of your life. She looks like an angel descended from heaven. Without her you won't settle your relationship with your husband. You won't also have that angelic baby with you right now. A very bright kid that perhaps would also give you brighter future. Maybe that's the reason why God didn't take her off your womb' ".
I don't know what should I react the when I heard that conversation, 11 years had passed but those conversation is still fresh in my mind. I don't know if I'll be thankful that I'm here or not. But one thing I'm sure of... I'm here for a reason even though I have bugs in my brain that hunts me every now and then at least I have picked one part of the puzzle now, and continue to live to complete it.
The time I will lay down comfortably in my bed, close my eyes and take my one last breath perhaps that would be the time that I can complete the puzzle, a puzzle that will call "my life", and the reason of my existence would finally lead to its conclusion at last...
April 07, 2008
6:53pm
I am creation of love... though I know it’s quite hard to believe but that really is! At times I ask myself, why on earth I have to deal with tough life where I feel like no one loves me. I often dreamt of being angel with wings and hallo serving in the holy place, but I’m created as human and my life limits only here on earth... yes I know humans were created to inhabit earth.
I might cry a lot during my teenage years realizing that why nobody cares for me... no one is ever been proud of me. My mom favors my brother, and always took me for granted. And yet you might feel the same agony I have inside during those tough years, a time when I needed someone to lift me up yet my parents are not there. I need moral support buy where are they? Do they care? Hell! I'm hanging over here!
It's so awful to watch my life like a movie where no one understand and recognize me or the worst of all no one realized I exist! I went to contest at school with no enough money for me neither to buy some food nor to go to practice without asking "are you tired? How’s your competition? Did you won?" how I’m so thirst to hear those words but no one cares? Who knows I exist anyway? Hey I won some competitions but never did I hear the words "congratulations! Keep up the good work!" Hell I'm just doing good deeds for nothing. At school everybody recognized me as an outstanding student but my parents don't even know anything about it. My professor thinks that my parents had been so proud of me but they never know how it hurts me so much that they don't dare to ask my grades. During college, since parent’s signatures on cards are not required anymore to tell you exactly the truth my mom saw one of my grades only, but my dad never did. I'm working now but they still don't know what my grades are... I'm so poor!
Everyday of my life I'm still asking for the same old question, over and over again... Why, Why and why?
But I remember one scenario of my life that made me think of my existence... It was a way too long that we had once traveled with my mom, my little brother and with my uncle. I was sitting sleeping at the passenger seat, when suddenly I woke up without anyone noticed, and I heard my mom and my uncle talking. Topic seems so new to me... and because of curiosity; I accidentally heard something that I supposed not to hear... my uncle said pointing at me
"Look at her... I never thought she'll grow up like that; she seems so little when she's still a kid. And fortunately she lives!”
I was stunned of what I heard, and then my mom responded "Yeah, she's holding too much that even I took medicine to abort her, it doesn't work. Things happening that time is so bleak with your cousin, we often fight with a lot of things and we nearly separated that's why I decided to take her off."
"Good thing she hold tight. You see? She’s a gift!" my uncle replied.
"Yes you're right, that's what my brother also told me especially when he watches her growing. He even told me 'See? if you abort that kid, you missed half of your life. She looks like an angel descended from heaven. Without her you won't settle your relationship with your husband. You won't also have that angelic baby with you right now. A very bright kid that perhaps would also give you brighter future. Maybe that's the reason why God didn't take her off your womb' ".
I don't know what should I react the when I heard that conversation, 11 years had passed but those conversation is still fresh in my mind. I don't know if I'll be thankful that I'm here or not. But one thing I'm sure of... I'm here for a reason even though I have bugs in my brain that hunts me every now and then at least I have picked one part of the puzzle now, and continue to live to complete it.
The time I will lay down comfortably in my bed, close my eyes and take my one last breath perhaps that would be the time that I can complete the puzzle, a puzzle that will call "my life", and the reason of my existence would finally lead to its conclusion at last...
April 07, 2008
6:53pm
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