IM WITH THE CULPRIT

“TRUST” – that’s the common word I heard in most conversations everyday. I also define it as crystal clear withy my “complicated mind” before, but now… I don’t even know the essence of it anymore.

Trust + companion = great friendship

In order to gain good relationship to others, trust must be established. And to all companions I had “since birth” I use that friendship equation. But one incident changes everything. Someone not physical but stabbed my back in a sense that I never expect it to happen. I trust this person with all my heart – though with doubt… I trust her even I didn’t know her that much, and even though I didn’t know what she’s thinking about. I used to enjoy the companionship she opens up for everybody, and I am not able to absorb the odds that keep on bugging into my mind. But instinct is sometimes, or should I say it is often right… It’s too late to realize that I should have trusted my instinct instead of trusting her.

It’s the 19th of May when I already confirmed that I lost something valuable to me. That was the day that I can’t believe that the culprit is with us. I don’t know who she is but choices are very minimal, but it so hard to point out since I built that so called “trust” to all those people at the apartment. The time she stole my so called “precious” (like Gollum/smeagle of LOTR), she already stole my future – or better yet suspended my plans – the fact that I may not be able to go to school again at the moment because of that. I know I may be able to replace it sooner but the trust I established was broken and it can never be whole again.. One thing I may just ask “you culprit”?!

Aren’t you afraid that someday, all the bad things you’ve done will go back to you? Because here in Earth everything has its own cycle. You should have to watch out what could be yours…

I don’t wanna be hysterical or do something stupid like to yell, to ignore everyone in the house or to make “sermon’ upon you (whoever you are), its just a matter of conscience that will move the culprit to confess everything. I wanna be clam as much as I could though deep in my so called “complicated mind” and “stubborn heart”, I’m hurting – the fact that I haven’t done anything wrong to anybody in order for that culprit to take revenge on me… She did it once – I ignored… She did it twice - I ignored it all over again… but for the third time around, that wasn’t normal anymore… that’s a habit! She made it as a routine in her life to take someone else’s belonging and it’s not funny! If she’s playing a practical joke, well we are not pleased or should I say I feel worst than that.

In a circle of friends I deal with everyday under one roof I really don’t wanna speak out what sucks me inside, the reason why I just pour everything I had in my mind on my blog hoping that one of these days the culprit maybe able to read this that will move her to approach me, confess everything, and try to explain why she did that.. perhaps I may be able to understand and forgive her.

For the mean time or for as long as I’m with her, in order to minimize future attempts to work on for her HABIT, I had to lock everything that was unlocked before, even TRUST!

CONCLUSION

Since childhood I ask a simple question which is quite hard to answer... until now I haven't got the right explanation yet, why I exist in this world?

I am creation of love... though I know it’s quite hard to believe but that really is! At times I ask myself, why on earth I have to deal with tough life where I feel like no one loves me. I often dreamt of being angel with wings and hallo serving in the holy place, but I’m created as human and my life limits only here on earth... yes I know humans were created to inhabit earth.

I might cry a lot during my teenage years realizing that why nobody cares for me... no one is ever been proud of me. My mom favors my brother, and always took me for granted. And yet you might feel the same agony I have inside during those tough years, a time when I needed someone to lift me up yet my parents are not there. I need moral support buy where are they? Do they care? Hell! I'm hanging over here!

It's so awful to watch my life like a movie where no one understand and recognize me or the worst of all no one realized I exist! I went to contest at school with no enough money for me neither to buy some food nor to go to practice without asking "are you tired? How’s your competition? Did you won?" how I’m so thirst to hear those words but no one cares? Who knows I exist anyway? Hey I won some competitions but never did I hear the words "congratulations! Keep up the good work!" Hell I'm just doing good deeds for nothing. At school everybody recognized me as an outstanding student but my parents don't even know anything about it. My professor thinks that my parents had been so proud of me but they never know how it hurts me so much that they don't dare to ask my grades. During college, since parent’s signatures on cards are not required anymore to tell you exactly the truth my mom saw one of my grades only, but my dad never did. I'm working now but they still don't know what my grades are... I'm so poor!

Everyday of my life I'm still asking for the same old question, over and over again... Why, Why and why?

But I remember one scenario of my life that made me think of my existence... It was a way too long that we had once traveled with my mom, my little brother and with my uncle. I was sitting sleeping at the passenger seat, when suddenly I woke up without anyone noticed, and I heard my mom and my uncle talking. Topic seems so new to me... and because of curiosity; I accidentally heard something that I supposed not to hear... my uncle said pointing at me
"Look at her... I never thought she'll grow up like that; she seems so little when she's still a kid. And fortunately she lives!”

I was stunned of what I heard, and then my mom responded "Yeah, she's holding too much that even I took medicine to abort her, it doesn't work. Things happening that time is so bleak with your cousin, we often fight with a lot of things and we nearly separated that's why I decided to take her off."

"Good thing she hold tight. You see? She’s a gift!" my uncle replied.

"Yes you're right, that's what my brother also told me especially when he watches her growing. He even told me 'See? if you abort that kid, you missed half of your life. She looks like an angel descended from heaven. Without her you won't settle your relationship with your husband. You won't also have that angelic baby with you right now. A very bright kid that perhaps would also give you brighter future. Maybe that's the reason why God didn't take her off your womb' ".

I don't know what should I react the when I heard that conversation, 11 years had passed but those conversation is still fresh in my mind. I don't know if I'll be thankful that I'm here or not. But one thing I'm sure of... I'm here for a reason even though I have bugs in my brain that hunts me every now and then at least I have picked one part of the puzzle now, and continue to live to complete it.

The time I will lay down comfortably in my bed, close my eyes and take my one last breath perhaps that would be the time that I can complete the puzzle, a puzzle that will call "my life", and the reason of my existence would finally lead to its conclusion at last...

April 07, 2008
6:53pm

I WILL SURVIVE

Have you ever wished that you were dead? have you ever cursed your life just to finished all of your sufferings? in short, did you ever think of a suicidal course of action? Honestly you were not alone, sometimes I often think about it when I'm on a big trouble, when I faced with such difficult problems and anything that I don't want to face. And I'm glad I'm just thinking about it, because try to see some people out there... according to the statistics, in 1984(the year when I was born) 100,000 suicide cases were already listed worldwide, and in 2000 769.3% had increased its percentage where the WHO(World Health Organization) reported 76,930,000 cases, what more for the unreported one? So it only means that as time passes by, millions of people don’t enjoy life after all... That's the negative side of being human, we were very much aware about our existence, and suicidal is the shortcut of everything! I often asked myself, whey we really need to be here? Perhaps you also asked that to yourself! but you know what? Answers were not hard to find... it's always in the bible! And that made my life different...

Here are few situations that made me think about it...
This only happens a week ago. My dad hasn’t been critically ill actually, but he needs to be hospitalized due to his gallbladder stone, the doctors really need to remove it... not just the stone but the whole gallbladder itself. It just pretty amazing that a person can live normally even without it! So there's no room to be worried about in my dad's case. I never get used to hospitals, honestly but I know that people who were ill needs some emotional support by visiting them. As I walked into the ward room (where my dad is), the room is packed, I mean no empty beds, all have patients in it. Where every bed have its own story that I have learned from it. That's why I also want to share it to you.

On the first bed next to us, is a patient also who have the same case as my father, but as you dig deeper into it, my father is the healthiest above all the patients in the room (thank God!). Back to the topic, that patient in the first bed has lots of visitors and I guess those were his officemates, friends and relatives. He had his wife beside him. His recovery gone too fast and he only stayed in the hospital for few days. How did he recover that fast? Because he was holding on to someone and into something, he had his family as inspiration to keep going.

On the left bed beside us, they came from a far city about 10 hours away from the Hospitals location if you have to ride on a bus. They were cheerful and friendly couple as I had observed. The husband had been diagnosed for having tumor on the left side of his heart, of course you can see how worried they are, the fact that he will still be undertaking lots of tests and one operation after another. He's still okay on the first day, but as time passes by he begun weaker as the process proceeds. Doctors make some holes on his chest then another two hole on his side then if the tests were complete they'll going to open his chest! Imagine how hard it could be if you were in his situation. What will you do then if you were him? One thing more... because they came from far-off place there's a little chance of having their own visitors. We guess that no one really visits them... Except for my brother, who sometimes visits them when they had moved to other room. Chances are there's no room of comfort, no emotional support (personally), only through phone calls. That's really so tough! But I was amazed on how they handle their situation, which they can still manage to laugh behind those worried eyes (just set aside the Hospital bills first, that will only add some headaches)... I admire their optimistic spirit! Really! And if you were to ask me what will I do if I were in that situation? Perhaps I want to tell you "Just leave me alone! I want to die and I want to stop these sufferings!” Emotional isn't it? But they aren't like that... On the top of their minds it says "This too shall pass and I will be WELL again, I'll be able to spend some time with my children's again, and I'll be on my regular work routine for my family. I love them and I want to be with them always." I feel like a little psychotic on that part... hey you see? There’s really something behind those hazel eyes! I can read some...ha ha ha... But seriously speaking there is! And why do they keep on holding on? So that they can go back home again, and spend time with those they love specially with their children. Life seems so ironic if you got to see the point. Even though they don't know when will they go back home, they still manage to invite us and visit them on there home place! Those instances only provide you some of the strong hopes that the couple has beautiful tomorrow.

On the bed on the center bottom that faces the room door, the patient is not that old enough maybe at early 60's. He had that phenomenal Diabetes, which led him to cut-off his right leg. From that moment onwards he will going to spend his life physically incomplete, and really needs a lot of adjustment. Few days after his operation, his family with his grandchildren’s organized a party and ate with him while he's lying on bed. He's so weak and can hardly even talk, he just try to make some signs to communicate but most of the time he only whispers. They took pictures along with him and they'll hoping that he could recover and go back home again. His sister which is far older than him and his loving wife were the ones who patiently looking after him. With those kind of affection, he is motivated to keep going and by heart it says "I will survive!". If you were him? Can you survive?

On the other hand, the bed opposite on my dad's bed is somewhat difficult as well. He also suffered the same illness, Diabetes... He's the oldest of all the patients in the room, but the most notable feature in him is that he ALWAYS smiles. Sometimes he were in severe pain, whom doctors needs to put something on his anal just to remove the wastes that was stuck inside him that cannot be discharged, his digestive system aren't working properly already. Of course it isn't that easy! One thing more, he don't have his family with him, to look after him. His care giver is the one who's with him but she always do scold him (acting like she's a wife or a daughter, sometimes treat him with no respect), I didn't dare to asked why she's acting like that but according to the lady who is right beside them on the room, that old sick widow man had been bad during his HEALTHY days. But don't you see? This is the moment where he needs someone to take good care of him... Then lately the caregiver went home and leave the old man alone, promises to come back as soon as possible but until night she never returned. So sad isn't it? It's like singing the song "Just when I needed you most" dedicated for his family. The worst thing in it is that concerning the BILLS he had on the hospital. The old man is worrying too much, where will he going to get some money to pay the huge amount of bills he had. And as a last remedy, he'll going to sell all of his property (house and lot) instead in exchange for the hospital bill. Huh?! Where will he going anyway if that happens?! Worried right? But will all that burdens he still SMILES constantly! What will be the factor why is he still fighting? He is hoping that he can overcome all those obstacles, and knew there were still some room to change for the better HIM (physically and spiritually), hope is still there when mostly it seems to be no hope. After few days in hospital, finally one of his son arrived!

Imagine the situation with those few people I had mentioned in that particular room in the hospital? Can you still absorb it? Their situation seems so bleak, but they're not looking on to the dark side! It like they are looking for the tiny bright light that illuminates a small amount on a very dark room. Think about this... how many people you know who were in the hospital everyday fighting for their lives? How many people you know who struggled so hard to survive? How many people you know who want to steal a life just to make their love ones live longer? How many people you know who were willing to surrender all that they have just to live? If we were to compare their situation against ours, we can conclude that we were still far luckier than they are. If that so, therefore we have much reasons to fight, and not to be disappointed. IF OTHERS CAN, WHY CAN'T I? Right? With those 76,930,000people who commit suicide last 2000, they are so weak... they are not wise. How about you? Are you wise enough?

August 17, 2007
4:24pm

MOVIE STAR

Have you ever imagined when your watching television or sinema that you were there, the one who were acting for the film you've been dreaming of? Having the opportunity to be with the celebrity that you've been dying to be with? Guess you've been wondering how life may seem if you were the leading character of the story... Well to tell you honestly, people wasn't aware of everything about the real movie in the real world. After you have read this article perhaps you may realize that things you've been dreaming would be posible and that you were a real movie star!

Every one of us have our own movie and our story. It is a thing we called "Life" as we journey, it is a never ending adventure that you never wanna missed every single detail of it. As we go further, we learn a lot of things... about ourselves, about those people around us, and about our environment that affects our behavior as human. In our movie, we don't need camera men to shoot every detail of the things we do, people can watch us without any movie pass, live and true... there would be scripts also but though you can make you're own story. Sometimes we may choose what kind of blockbuster movie hit we have to do in every aspect of our life and daily living.

We may choose the romantic movie when someone comes along that we truely love, other ends with such happy ending like what do cinderella, snow white and other stories does, that ended with "happily ever after" quotation. Other ends with heartaches and pain, and others may also be a tragedy where Shakespeare is the best of it! On the other hand, it takes a little bit of drama, action, comedy and suspense. Whatever it is, we are the living character in the story of our own movie.

LEADING CHARACTER
As to the real movie industry, a chosen character is motivated and trained to get the mastery of his role, and to make a good performance on the actual screen. We as the main character, were trained by our dear parents from birth until we had reached thar right age to perform our duties and responsibilities not only as a child but as human being as well-- cultured, motivated, and inspired.

As making or taking our role, we try to be the best of it, but were aren't that perfect and made mistakes several times... a series of certain "cuts" and try to make another take until we've got the best shot. Mistakes which were considered cuts that help us mold things up and learning from them, making an effort to overcome all the difficulties, obstacles, and challenges. But as long as we live, there's always been a second chance or more to make the wrong things we've done right. Scripts were sometimes given to us as manual that will provide us good guidance and advices like the holy bible, inspirational, and other self-steem improving books, which would be the best material we can ever posses that will guide us on playing our role as good individual having the best character throughout the movie scene.

DIRECTORS AND PRODUCERS
Director is the one who manipulates the movie and make things out good and done it properly. Producer were the one who provide us what we need, financially and other factors. Our director and producer is the Almighty God, who helped us to direct the path we have to be travelling, He produces us things which cannot be provided by other, it might be materially and spiritually. He never Leaves us until the end of the movie, and continue motivating its casts to make and perform the good one.

Our parents, were the co-director and co-producer of God. They were the one who brings us into this world, in a world of movie industry, working together hand-in-hand with God. They had built up one of the factors that contribute to our overall personality. With them we can find sense of belongingness and can find the unconditional love we need. They continue assisting us, correct our errors or mistakes, forgive us from our faults and discipline us when needed. So to be good a performer, we are all obliged to listen to our directors and producers, who were patiently trains us to be a better star.

ASSISTANTS
Assistants were those people who were helping us to do things as they have to be. In a movie industry, they were the fashion designers, art and music directors, writers, coreographers, graphic artists, motion picture designers and others. They contribute something which is intangible. They do things which products of their efforts can be seen in the actual screen play, they give life and light, and make the performance complete and attractive by adding different concepts that can make the movie good and real as a whole.

LOVE INTEREST
Movie can never be as good without love. Even the most terrifying horror movies embodied with love. It is the part of the story where every viewer can relate! Perhaps you have watched a movie having the same or almost the same love story as yours. Yes it makes the movie meaningful and gives life to the story.

Once in a while you’ve met someone whom you think is the best for you. For once in a while you will find someone who will love you the same way that you do. Everyone does fall in love! Even villains do fall in love too! And falling in love is the greatest feeling we had and the most beautiful part in the movie we had. This romantic stage in our life will taught us many things, on what is the feeling of loving and being loved, the feeling of loosing and hurting, the feeling of falling and stumbling and also taught us how to rise beyond the pain, trials, and heartaches.

In this romantic phase, you will realize how do Cinderella found by his Prince charming, how Romeo falls for his Juliet, why Jack and Rose have to be apart and why does Samson and Delilah wasn’t for each other.

There are times we may say “Hi” to our first love then all of a sudden say “Goodbye” then lately will entertain another lover and so forth. Love is a continuous cycle; we never tired of loving and loosing someone until we had found our true love. There are times we may say he/she is the “one” then lately realized he/she isn’t. But don’t loose hope because there’s always someone out there waiting for you to come around. Remember, what ever heartache may bring into you, always learn to let go…you may not understand why things would have to be that way on the first place, and there’s so much to questions to asked without further answers, but as you go on, take time to heal the wound and you will then realized that everything happens for a reason and that you deserve better, so as you’ll find the answers of all your questions perfectly. As you may find the right one for you cherish and treasure the memories you have together do your best to make your relationship worth holding for. Yes, love really makes the world go round!

THE STORYBOARD
A storyboard is a series of drawings and sketches depicting various sequence of the film. It is a so-called blue print of a movie that saves time and putting a movie into a good direction.

Same as to the real-life, there’s a saying that “a man with no dream is a man without direction”. Storyboard is our “dreams”, a series of goals, visions, and objectives of an individual. It serves as a natural blueprint in every aspect of our daily lives; this shows what we want to have and to be in the future. In attaining our dream—either it might be a small, simple or big dream—we have to do something and endure everything to achieve what we want. Dreaming is free! You may dream as many as you wanted, and as high it may seem, but you don’t have sit on a corner and wait for that dream to come true, instead, set some goals and standards and work for it everyday, step by step and little by little.

Your dream is something that lies behind the valley of thorns, before you may reach it, you must be willing to sacrifice and work hard for it—you have to take the courage to fight for it and travel to endure and struggle all obstacles, pits and traps, pain and trials. In order to be a great survivor, you have to equip yourself tools or weapons that would help you to fight! You have the skills, talents, and strength, freewill, vision and ability that will serve as your tools and will put you into the direction directly to your success.

If you’ve got the fighting spirit, you can make it through. Being a winner is not the matter of not experiencing any downfall but on how you rise on every fall you encountered. Giving up is no good. Holding on though dreams seem so far will lead you to take a one step closer. You will just wake up someday realizing that you were holding the trophy of success.

Others may try to discourage and laugh at your dream, but don’t get disappointed instead take it as a challenge to prove them your worth, and you were here for a reason. If you succeeded and passed on a valley of thorns, you may reach then for your reward at hand, and now prizes are on your reach! When you were at the top, always thank God for all the blessings and guidance ant to those people who helped you and always remember…be humble and also find some ways to help your fellow to get the chance to reach for their own stars too, the same way as you do!

And to all these concerns, having the Directors and Producers, Assistants, Cast of Characters, Love interest, Storyboard and Leading character (which is you), continue to shine like star and be the model to all as far as you can. Prove your worth as a person and as a movie star. Continue to touch others’ lives and furnish them with lessons, ideas and good examples to find their way to their own great movie too! A very meaningful movie and a never-ending story you called… LIFE!


May 24, 2005
06:12 pm

NOT ALL THINGS YOU WANT IS WHAT YOU GET

What will you do if you waited for someone- a person you called “the one”? He/she made things for you, someone who is very true. You were beyond his/her reach but still you can’t hold him/her. You want to have that person more, but friendship is just what matters most. Deep inside you, you know that he/she is the one that you’ve been waiting for. But remember that not all the things you want is always what you get. If only all sweet songs were true there will be no heartaches be made. Blessed is the one who found his/her true love. But its not any kind of ancient stories that has been told often lined “and they lived happily ever after…” Those stories were only in fairytales. Today there’s no existing Cinderella or Snow white anymore. Be realistic for sometimes, circumstances like failures were there for tests. No matter how you run from it, it still happens… still it follows you. Then when you can’t hide anymore, it’s the time you will face it. Sometimes, this leads to successful relationship, sometimes it leads to heartache. There’s a story that often heard and often read…

“ …A boy loves this girl but she didn’t mind him. The boy got sick and was dying when she realized how much she loves him. She asked, “Why are you leaving me?” and he answered, “I maybe gone but you will forever stay here in my heart.”

It was such a sad story, but it only portrays that nothing in this world is permanent except change. Mr. Perfect/Ms. Perfect is not always the right one for you. Maybe that one can reach all the qualities you’ve been looking for but he/she can’t help you to reach your dreams or on the saddest part he/she can’t love you back after all the things you’ve done. In that case don’t burry yourself unto him/her. The most important thing to know is that the man/woman you have to look for is the one you can really love unconditionally and can love you back and the one you love to talk with and can walk with you through the rest of your life although he/she cannot portray your perfect dream guy/girl.

It’s funny to think sometimes that the one you love didn’t like you, and the one who loves you is the one you really don’t like. Those circumstances always do happen. Its so sad to imagine sometimes that you’ve waiting for someone whom just ends up with a wrong one.
There were instances also that others may say “Bakit ngayon ka lang?” But things may just meant to happen that way, because you can never turn back the time. And again not all the things you want is what you get. Journeying through life is like walking on the street way home, while walking; there were people we met who can share the road with us, some for a lifetime, some were just for a moment then lately turn on the other path. They came by for the memories to share and lessons to keep that you can bring it until you reach you home with the person who stays with you.

Just think about this way… When you stop hoping and waiting, just sit at one corner maybe somehow or someway the one you’ve waiting for will come by unexpectedly and asks if he/she can share the corner with you!! Love is like catching a butterfly, the more you hunt the more it invades you, but if you just lay your hands flat open and wait, probably it will came into you voluntarily and lay into your palm silently. All the things you want to happen, don’t rush in a hurry… And don’t push yourself up to be on the place you want at the wrong time. Don’t be mad at failures; just tackle yourself on your objectives and visions. Who knows tomorrow will be your bright turn that only waits at the back of your door!
Though incomplete, enjoy life! It’s for free. Don’t find love, let love find you…