"Fight, Fight, Fight!"

Have you ever felt once in your life that you feel like you are lacking something?!

You did your best but it wasn’t good enough?!

You devoted your whole time but you feel like everything turns different and you feel the weakness inside you?!

Well, you are not alone because we feel the same way too... Lots of things had been different now and still keep on changing.

Last Friday my fellow believers discussed about it. At first I think I’m the only one feel spiritually weak, but as we opened up we almost feel the same way!

So we talked things over on how to get back on tract and keep going. And as the first step, we decided to visit a paralyzed brother for 10 years and who’d been in service as a Special Pioneer for 20 years for him to be strengthened and for us to be strengthened too!

Saturday afternoon, we did the first step. We went to their condominium to visit him.

His wife’s (Sister De Castro) smiling face welcomes us, and as we entered to Brother De Castro’s room his face was lighted and was so glad to meet us. He was laying on his bed, but full of joy! He’s a happy person and I can see how active he was before with the way he talks and his gestures. His words are vivid and strengthening! He tells us some of his experiences he had encountered during those bountiful years in Palawan where he was assigned.

We asked him what are the worst cases he had encountered during his ministry, and to our surprise he told us “Those are the things I don’t want remember, because I only keep the good experiences in mind”, and yes, he’s right! He talks as if those things are happened only yesterday and freshly stored in his mind.

We also asked him if did he ever felt weakness on his ministry, he told us that those feeling are common to servants and that’s normal, but though his activities had been limited he still have the strong determination to keep his faith as strong as he could. He told us to “KEEP ON FIGHTING” (1 Timothy 6:11) because there is no witness who is weak, we all have to be strong, and that’s the reason why he keeps on going despite his condition.

He quoted most of the talks we had in Kingdom Hall and most Magazines had published and even videos of the organization where Christians are viewed as runners, yes, we are all runners to gain the price of an everlasting life. The only difference in this sport is that fellow Christians are not competitors but acquaintances, we don’t need to be fast to finish first… there’s no matter weather we win or we lose, the most important thing is that we stay strong, keep going and keep struggling until we reach the finish line because in the end we still get the same prize.

Our spirituality lighted up as we hear those words of encouragement from him, and we are so glad that we did this wonderful step to visit him. As we walked away from their home, our weak spirituality was strengthened, and admires his positive attitude. Learning the truth that no matter what happened we have to fight negative thoughts and awaken the positive attitude we have inside.

As a conclusion… Think positive, be strong.. “FIGHT! FIGHT!” because Jehovah is here all the time to strengthen us (1 Peter 5:10)

In Depth of Silence

Do you know that expressive people are the bravest people?!

But me?! I'm coward... and I admit it!

We can't read the minds of others, and that's so true. We can only interpret what others feel if they let it show - I know that's what my special friend always trying to tell me.

"Be sweet and expressive Deneb!"

...For you really wont be able to read my mind, unless you're a psycho =). And even psycho's don't get it perfectly!

Honestly not just one person who complains about it, my mom also did! She once told me that with all of her siblings, I'm the one who doesn't care the most! =( I begun evaluating myself, and maybe she was right, but it doesn't mean I'm numb, maybe its just beacause I care silently... Deep down inside, though I didn't express it, it brokes my heart to see someone who is sad, and facing some problems and sick. Though often times, when someone is sick at home, I'm not the one who will going to cook for them or feed then nor give medicines to them at the right time, I care silently in my own way. Like when my mom is sick, I seldomly visit her to her room, because honestly I don't want to see anyone who's sick. Instead of asking her if she's ok and what she needed, I simply take a peek on her room and say nothing, then decided to do the chores she should've accomplish for the day, and took over the tasks to lessen her worries. When I'm praying, I always include them in my prayes. At times, I cry for them silently. Everything that I feel was dripping in the sound of silence. No one knows it but me. And that concludes people that I dont care at all, but I'm not.

I'm a happy person and I always want to stick that way.. But emotionally, I don't know what's wrong with me, and why I'm afraid to show how I feel.

I'm afraid people might find out what I'm thinking...

I'm afraid people will know that I care...

I'm afraid people will know that I love them...

I'm afraid that they'll find out that there are times I could be emotional too and that I'm afraid of rejections!

Maybe...just maybe...I want to let them show that I'm strong all the time, and with that perpective I often been misinterpreted as NUMB.

Now that I know that somehow I've been so wrong of showing how much I care and how much I love the people around me, Im trying my best to somehow lessen the shield that I've been trying to protect for such long time, and remove the blocks that burried my emotions.

I'm fond of writing stuffs like essay, poems and other literary works, and now I realize why writing became my passion - it's the only way I know I can express my feelings.

I'm not trying to change of who really I am but, I'm trying to be a better person. Better person grows positively, not seeking only for its own interest but also for the benefit of others before its too late.

I wanna be brave from now on!

And how I wish time will come that I'll be ready to express everything vocally and and physically, and if that happens... I will no longer hide my feelings in "Depth of Silence"

11:46am

August 26, 2010

Love equals INSANITY

When I went home last night, I decided to walk and distribute bible tracts to those people I saw walking on the street… I’m happy with what I’m doing and staple a smile on my face while saying "Hi! Para po s inyo!".. As I walk through, a girl behind me reach out and ask to give her something to read.. I didn’t know her, nor saw her before.. Though walking thru a dim-Lighted street I can see her sad reflection and bloated eyes (perhaps she’s bin crying all day).. She walked with me and within those few moments,i've Learned something from her.


She openly share what she really feel... I was thinking: "Hindi naman kami close.. But she talked to me as if we know each other for couple of years"


She told me that she needs to read something to divert her attention to something else... And she's sure that the tracts I gave her would really help... She told me she’s sad and broke, so I gave her another tracts entitled "Kaaliwan para sa mga Nanlulumo" and tell her "this one is really meant for you, hope it will help u a Lot"..


Without the feeling of awkwardness, I asked her "Bakit ka malungkot?!" and she abruptly replied "iniwan kasi ako ng mahal ko"


Ayun naman pala! I seized d words and ask myself: Why does stupid love drives everyone crazy?! Why is it so?!


But that question was even answered by the following words she utter…


She told me once again “Minahal ko kasi siya ng buong-buo… wala ako itinira para sa sarili ko. Ipinakita naman niya kasi na mahal niya ako, at nagsakripisyo rin kasi siya para sa akin”


Getting so curious, I asked again “Kung mahal ka niya bakit ka niya iniwan?!”
She replied “Nag-away lang kami minsan at umalis na siya… Iniwan na niya ako. Kaya alam ko talaga na ang mga binigay mong babasahin makakatulong talaga sa akin para makalimot kahit konti para di ko na siya laging iniisip.”


I sighed… and words can’t come out of my mouth. I’m speechless after all.


And as final word I told her that If she’ll love someone she don’t have to pour everything for a guy… Save something for herself so she won’t be hurt that way and if the guy really loves her, well he’ll be back soon! I’m beginning to tell some advices which I don’t know if that really works and throwing up words as if I had experience on that. Duh?! But I hope those few words would help.


We parted ways after that, she’s heading to the place where she and her boyfriend used to meet, and the place where they usually settle things when something went rocky, with the hope inside that she’ll be able to see him there again and reconcile.


Heading home after that conversation I learned something:


1. God’s word really heal wounded hearts (Psalms 34:18, Hebrew 4:12)
2. If you love someone, don’t give everything you have… save something for yourself so you can have the strength to move on once he left you.
3. People change and feelings too!
4. Don’t trust what only your heart feels.
5. Sacrifice is not enough to prove your love… but consistency does.
6. When you lost someone you keep on hoping he’ll be back again, but you have to move on
7. Crying is just a simple way of expressing sorrow but you don’t have to dig deep down into it
8. If you want to move on, forget everything
9. Untrue love makes people crazy and stupid
10. Experience love, experience insanity
11. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 explains what love really is
12. Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8)






Any violent reaction?!








April 15:2010
12:04 PM

On My Own

My hands are urging me to write, but I can’t think of anything.
I want to write my thoughts but I can’t think of anything good.
I just don’t understand.
I read a book instead but still my mind can’t absorb it.
I read every line over and over but the message can’t sink in.
I try to sleep after being exhausted from thinking of nothing, but my eyes are widely open
I’m so damn awake but failed to be enthusiastic.
I got a cup of coffee and brought it with me at the park and choose to be chilled with the morning fog
It’s good and cold outside, but I can’t appreciate it.
I sat still… until the sun shines over my face.
The bright light glares on me but it doesn’t work!
I feel so dumb and lifeless.
I walked with my eyes closed and all I hear was my heart beats…
Can’t see anything but brightness…
And the last thing I know… I’m falling…