Do you know that expressive people are the bravest people?!
But me?! I'm coward... and I admit it!
We can't read the minds of others, and that's so true. We can only interpret what others feel if they let it show - I know that's what my special friend always trying to tell me.
"Be sweet and expressive Deneb!"
...For you really wont be able to read my mind, unless you're a psycho =). And even psycho's don't get it perfectly!
Honestly not just one person who complains about it, my mom also did! She once told me that with all of her siblings, I'm the one who doesn't care the most! =( I begun evaluating myself, and maybe she was right, but it doesn't mean I'm numb, maybe its just beacause I care silently... Deep down inside, though I didn't express it, it brokes my heart to see someone who is sad, and facing some problems and sick. Though often times, when someone is sick at home, I'm not the one who will going to cook for them or feed then nor give medicines to them at the right time, I care silently in my own way. Like when my mom is sick, I seldomly visit her to her room, because honestly I don't want to see anyone who's sick. Instead of asking her if she's ok and what she needed, I simply take a peek on her room and say nothing, then decided to do the chores she should've accomplish for the day, and took over the tasks to lessen her worries. When I'm praying, I always include them in my prayes. At times, I cry for them silently. Everything that I feel was dripping in the sound of silence. No one knows it but me. And that concludes people that I dont care at all, but I'm not.
I'm a happy person and I always want to stick that way.. But emotionally, I don't know what's wrong with me, and why I'm afraid to show how I feel.
I'm afraid people might find out what I'm thinking...
I'm afraid people will know that I care...
I'm afraid people will know that I love them...
I'm afraid that they'll find out that there are times I could be emotional too and that I'm afraid of rejections!
Maybe...just maybe...I want to let them show that I'm strong all the time, and with that perpective I often been misinterpreted as NUMB.
Now that I know that somehow I've been so wrong of showing how much I care and how much I love the people around me, Im trying my best to somehow lessen the shield that I've been trying to protect for such long time, and remove the blocks that burried my emotions.
I'm fond of writing stuffs like essay, poems and other literary works, and now I realize why writing became my passion - it's the only way I know I can express my feelings.
I'm not trying to change of who really I am but, I'm trying to be a better person. Better person grows positively, not seeking only for its own interest but also for the benefit of others before its too late.
I wanna be brave from now on!
And how I wish time will come that I'll be ready to express everything vocally and and physically, and if that happens... I will no longer hide my feelings in "Depth of Silence"
11:46am
August 26, 2010
