About two years ago, I had wrapped my mind with such
negative feelings towards others. Not only to a single person but few people
who have been my best company before. I laugh at them, cheer with them, play
with them, had long talks with them and even treat their home like mine. But a
sudden change had gone by that separates us, we have conflicts, we fought and
even to the extent that we have hurt each other’s feeling in the most
unbelievable ways. We had resentments for a very long period of time and it
seems that the other party was not willing to do so.
In my side, that particular person also told me that it was
a gift from me that it was easy for me to forgive those who had hurt me… But in
our case, I’ve gone through a long fight for my feelings towards them. The scar
they made was too deep to diminish; I have lost something valuable because of
them and that cannot take back since the damage is irrevocable. If somehow I
will be given a chance to revenge I will do so whole heartedly.
After some time, the chance I’ve been waiting for has
finally come. The door has opened for me to revenge and do the same thing for
them. Not by telling some lies or speculations like what they did but to tell
the truth and every fact that I know. Suddenly, I just can’t! Though I hate
them so much, it’s not that simple. I know that they deserve it somehow, but I
can’t even move just one nerve against them, and I just can’t help but feel
vulnerable.
I prayed a lot to help me forget about it. I had forgiven
them but I just can’t forget it, and that made me feel I’m not 100% sincere
with my feelings towards them. And
though I prayed for it somehow, my heart and mind was not willing to cooperate.
All those times I’ve been thinking about these facts:
• Romans 12:17-21
Return evil for evil to no one. Provide fine things in
the sight of all men. If possible, as far as it depends upon YOU, be peaceable
with all men. Do not avenge yourselves, beloved, but yield place to the wrath;
for it is written: “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, says Jehovah.” But, “if
your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink;
for by doing this you will heap fiery coals upon his head.” Do not let
yourself be conquered by the evil, but keep conquering the evil with the good.
• Matthew 5:23-24
“If, then, you are bringing your gift to the altar and
you there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift
there in front of the altar, and go away; first make your peace with your
brother, and then, when you have come back, offer up your gift.
• Matthew 5:43-44
“YOU heard that it was said, ‘You must love your neighbor
and hate your enemy.’ However, I say to YOU: Continue to love YOUR enemies
and to pray for those persecuting YOU;
The bible was right, but the truth is that, it’s easy to say
but hard to make it happen. Whenever I pray for it, I always give myself some
reasons that making peace with them depends on how they act. I make such
excuses like “I had forgiven them long time ago but I’m just waiting for them
to come over to me and approach me… and that’s all I need since they are the
one who started it and I am the victim.”
Every time I test myself in that reasoning, it always ends
up ignoring what I had learned.
Lately, one thing happen that changed it all. And it’s my
chance to test myself again, and make peace not based on what they are going to
act but based on how I am going to act. My “so-called-friends-and-foes” had
faced a big trouble or let me just say a tragedy. Knowing the fact that one of
them suddenly passed away, I am expecting that I will not regret that instead
it made me feel sorry about it. Though we don’t have time to talk again about
that issue, I know they needed comfort. Though they don’t need me at all, I
still want to pay for a visit, sincerely.
Romans 12:17 was right “…If possible, as far as it
depends upon YOU, be peaceable with all men.” And Matthew 5:44 “…pray for those
persecuting YOU”. I know it would be a little hard for me to do so, but before
I go to the funeral, I prayed and ask Jehovah to help me not to feel the same
way I feel for them two years ago and help me to forget everything. And now
that I’m open to it, my prayer was answered. The moment I talked to them, I
felt a big burden just come out inside me and now I’m free to breath.
When I went home, I will never regret that visit. A visit
that made me realize how it feels like to fully forgive someone who had hurt
you so badly. Though there could be some remaining clouds above my head,
thinking what they might feel about my sincerity- if they may take it
positively or negatively – but I blew it all away. What they think towards me,
it’s none of my liabilities anymore.
And as I had finished watching a “I Hear Your Voice”, the
lesson is clear.
“If you revenge on the same thing that they did to you,
does it make you different from them? Absolutely in other way around, you’ll
become just like them in the end” and “Don’t waste your time hating someone,
for you’ll be wasting your whole life that you must live happily”
In the end of it all, when the cloud all disappears in my
head, it’s all worth living for.
September 2, 2013
5:14pm
